Tuesday, February 7, 2012

If at First You Don't Succeed...

This blog post written by Tiffany, future Surrogate Mother

This is not the blog post I was hoping to write today. I write today's blog with sadness and hope.   The blood work came back today for the pregnancy test and I am not pregnant. The embryos did not take. :(   I actually was shocked when I was told. The phone rang and I thought great news was on the other end.  It was like those scenes in the movies, you hear the first words, "I'm sorry...."  and the rest turns into white noise and you are suddenly miles away watching this unfold.   I tried not to cry, and I blame the hormones for my abundance of tears. I squatted down, holding back what tears I could and listening to her say, "It's not your fault, it's not anyone's fault.  This is part of the process, sometimes it doesn't take..."    I had no idea how I was going to tell Natalie.  I called my brother crying and told him I felt so bad.  He was so sweet and said the same thing, it's no one's fault.  He called Natalie for me.  Sean, my husband, has been so sweet during this, it must be hard for the boys to take care of their emotional wives sometimes.

I had no idea I would feel this kind of sadness if it did not take. I feel the most sad for James and Natalie as I know how much they want this child.   You put so much energy, both physically and mentally into this type of process, and although it is not 100%, you still hope for the best. I stopped all hormones today, and will let my body have a natural cycle and then get ready to go again.  None of the other embryos from the first retrieval made it, so we will have to go through another egg retrieval with Natalie.  Natalie and I were saying we are old pros by now, let's try again! 

Honestly, I am really sad. I have cried a lot today, and just feel a little like I failed and a lot of sadness.  But, truly I believe everything happens for a reason, and although this is not the outcome we were hoping for, we will remain positive and hopeful that this process will work and James and Natalie will get the baby they have been dreaming for.  We will keep moving forward, together as a family and this sadness we feel today will not stay with us for long.

"March on. Do not tarry. To go forward is to move toward perfection. March on, and fear not the thorns, or the sharp stones on life's path."
Khalil Gibran

Thank you for reading.