Here Come the Meds

This blog post written by Tiffany, Surrogate Mother




As I sit down to write each blog, I actually go to the blog and listen to the music.  There is something about the music on this blog that moves me to tears.  It brings out emotions inside of me that I wasn't quite sure I had, or was holding in.  Mostly I feel excited.   I pause as I write this (although you just see fluid typing here) because I want to really talk about what else I am feeling.  The past few months I have been getting so many wonderful and deep questions about how I am feeling, or how I will feel. Most people remark about what an amazing gift this is I am giving.  Statements like these make me feel proud, humble, special...guilty.  Guilty?  Yes, I feel that one a lot.  I guess because when people remark over what an amazing sacrifice this is, I don't want to be thought of that way.  I am just doing what I was put here to do, help others who need it in my own way.  This is a way I can help.  We all do great things everyday and I really don't feel any different than whoever may be reading this blog.  Although I cannot answer how I will feel, I can answer this:  I hope to feel as honored to complete this journey as I feel to start it and be apart of it.  I hope I feel as much, if not more joy for a life coming into this world to bless my brother, his wife and their son and of course all of us around this baby/babies.  Babies.   Wow.  That is another question, what if it is multiples?  We have gone back and forth with how many embryos to transfer (as a reminder, I am what is called a Gestational Carrier, meaning it is James' sperm and Natalie's egg, 100% genetically their baby).  We have, at this point decided on 2.  

I seem to be all over the place right now with my thoughts, perhaps I should focus, let's talk about schedule.  Currently I am taking a shot in my belly every day of Lupron, since December 27th until January 22nd.  This was hard for me to start!  I am pretty phobic of needles, but let me tell you, these really are a piece of cake!  The needles are so tiny (I will post a picture) and really are the tiniest pinch ever. I feel like saying "pinch" is an exaggeration of what it really feels like.   I have had everyone from my brother Jonathan, to my parents, to Sean (mostly) give them to me.  I just can't seem to do it to myself!  What a wimp  :)   But it is not painful and maybe itches for a few moments afterwards.   What a relief.  The purpose of the Lupron is to essentially put my ovaries to sleep during this time. Tomorrow I go to the doctor for a suppression check and ultrasound and blood draw.  Sean also goes for a blood draw and we sign some more paperwork.  The amount of paperwork involved!  If everything looks good, I get to decrease my Lupron amount from 10 units to 5 units and start up on hormone patches again then later stop Lupron and go on more fertility drugs.  Egg retrieval is coming FAST.  We have a tentative date for Jan 24th.... and then within 3-5 days after that (depends) we will implant the embryos into me!  9 days later, I can take a pregnancy test to see if it took.   

We are getting SO close.  I am very excited to be pregnant again and nervous too for it all to work out.  We all have been working so hard for this, especially James and Natalie.  I can't believe it is almost here.   We are in pre-production for the documentary and still looking for more funding, stay tuned for those updates. 

One more thought.  I think a lot of us are put here on this earth to face certain challenges in life and over come obstacles, including the way we judge others.  Some of you may not know this, but I was very judgmental of anyone who would use science to have a baby.  I thought - if they were meant to have a baby, they would have one naturally. Why did I think this way? I couldn't really tell you.  Somehow it was planted in my head and there it remained and was eventually regurgitated in judgmental thought.  I believe I was put in this situation to release that judgement, and learn from my past mistakes and school of thought and gain a new perspective on this side of life.  I also never understood what it was like to walk in a woman's shoes who had a hard time conceiving.  It was so easy for my to conceive both my boys, and I never experienced the pain of a miscarriage, or still birth, or even death right after birth.  As I have started down this path, and received email after email from mothers, and heard story after story from friends, my heart has turned inside out.  I have so much pain for these woman who struggle with infertility.  Especial those that struggle silently.  Many woman have come forward and told us they don't feel like a woman, or a proper mother because of what has happened to them.  My heart breaks for them.  I hope this blog continues to do what it has from the beginning, get dialog going, develop understanding of the pain infertility causes, and most of all, develop acceptance of all the different ways each of us comes into this world. I hope we all appreciate the journeys we all have to travel to get to where we need to be.   To all the parents who used science to conceive, I am sorry for judging, and to all the mothers and fathers who have been to hell and back in pain from the loss of a child at any stage, I am sorry for your loss and sorry for not being more understanding in my younger years.   This experienced has made me a better person, and I regret I was not more open before.   I hope no one has to suffer silently anymore and we all can stand together with no judgement and have more compassion and understanding for those in different circumstances than our own. 

“How would your life be different if…You stopped making negative judgmental assumptions about people you encounter? Let today be the day…You look for the good in everyone you meet and respect their journey.” 
― Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free




As always, if you are just finding this blog, please visit the tab "How we got here" to read our stories of how this surrogacy same to be. :)
Tiffany Burke, Surrogate