Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Here Come the Meds

This blog post written by Tiffany, Surrogate Mother




As I sit down to write each blog, I actually go to the blog and listen to the music.  There is something about the music on this blog that moves me to tears.  It brings out emotions inside of me that I wasn't quite sure I had, or was holding in.  Mostly I feel excited.   I pause as I write this (although you just see fluid typing here) because I want to really talk about what else I am feeling.  The past few months I have been getting so many wonderful and deep questions about how I am feeling, or how I will feel. Most people remark about what an amazing gift this is I am giving.  Statements like these make me feel proud, humble, special...guilty.  Guilty?  Yes, I feel that one a lot.  I guess because when people remark over what an amazing sacrifice this is, I don't want to be thought of that way.  I am just doing what I was put here to do, help others who need it in my own way.  This is a way I can help.  We all do great things everyday and I really don't feel any different than whoever may be reading this blog.  Although I cannot answer how I will feel, I can answer this:  I hope to feel as honored to complete this journey as I feel to start it and be apart of it.  I hope I feel as much, if not more joy for a life coming into this world to bless my brother, his wife and their son and of course all of us around this baby/babies.  Babies.   Wow.  That is another question, what if it is multiples?  We have gone back and forth with how many embryos to transfer (as a reminder, I am what is called a Gestational Carrier, meaning it is James' sperm and Natalie's egg, 100% genetically their baby).  We have, at this point decided on 2.  

I seem to be all over the place right now with my thoughts, perhaps I should focus, let's talk about schedule.  Currently I am taking a shot in my belly every day of Lupron, since December 27th until January 22nd.  This was hard for me to start!  I am pretty phobic of needles, but let me tell you, these really are a piece of cake!  The needles are so tiny (I will post a picture) and really are the tiniest pinch ever. I feel like saying "pinch" is an exaggeration of what it really feels like.   I have had everyone from my brother Jonathan, to my parents, to Sean (mostly) give them to me.  I just can't seem to do it to myself!  What a wimp  :)   But it is not painful and maybe itches for a few moments afterwards.   What a relief.  The purpose of the Lupron is to essentially put my ovaries to sleep during this time. Tomorrow I go to the doctor for a suppression check and ultrasound and blood draw.  Sean also goes for a blood draw and we sign some more paperwork.  The amount of paperwork involved!  If everything looks good, I get to decrease my Lupron amount from 10 units to 5 units and start up on hormone patches again then later stop Lupron and go on more fertility drugs.  Egg retrieval is coming FAST.  We have a tentative date for Jan 24th.... and then within 3-5 days after that (depends) we will implant the embryos into me!  9 days later, I can take a pregnancy test to see if it took.   





We are getting SO close.  I am very excited to be pregnant again and nervous too for it all to work out.  We all have been working so hard for this, especially James and Natalie.  I can't believe it is almost here.   We are in pre-production for the documentary and still looking for more funding, stay tuned for those updates. 

One more thought.  I think a lot of us are put here on this earth to face certain challenges in life and over come obstacles, including the way we judge others.  Some of you may not know this, but I was very judgmental of anyone who would use science to have a baby.  I thought - if they were meant to have a baby, they would have one naturally. Why did I think this way? I couldn't really tell you.  Somehow it was planted in my head and there it remained and was eventually regurgitated in judgmental thought.  I believe I was put in this situation to release that judgement, and learn from my past mistakes and school of thought and gain a new perspective on this side of life.  I also never understood what it was like to walk in a woman's shoes who had a hard time conceiving.  It was so easy for my to conceive both my boys, and I never experienced the pain of a miscarriage, or still birth, or even death right after birth.  As I have started down this path, and received email after email from mothers, and heard story after story from friends, my heart has turned inside out.  I have so much pain for these woman who struggle with infertility.  Especial those that struggle silently.  Many woman have come forward and told us they don't feel like a woman, or a proper mother because of what has happened to them.  My heart breaks for them.  I hope this blog continues to do what it has from the beginning, get dialog going, develop understanding of the pain infertility causes, and most of all, develop acceptance of all the different ways each of us comes into this world. I hope we all appreciate the journeys we all have to travel to get to where we need to be.   To all the parents who used science to conceive, I am sorry for judging, and to all the mothers and fathers who have been to hell and back in pain from the loss of a child at any stage, I am sorry for your loss and sorry for not being more understanding in my younger years.   This experienced has made me a better person, and I regret I was not more open before.   I hope no one has to suffer silently anymore and we all can stand together with no judgement and have more compassion and understanding for those in different circumstances than our own. 

“How would your life be different if…You stopped making negative judgmental assumptions about people you encounter? Let today be the day…You look for the good in everyone you meet and respect their journey.” 
― Steve MaraboliLife, the Truth, and Being Free





As always, if you are just finding this blog, please visit the tab "How we got here" to read our stories of how this surrogacy same to be. :)
Tiffany Burke, Surrogate

11 comments:

  1. Great Post! Loved the photos in addition as well. I can't wait to begin filming this journey with you all!

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  2. Love! I am near tears every time I read one of your blog posts as well. Good luck on the next phase of the journey--can't wait to hear about the next steps!

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  3. Thank you SO much for sharing your story! Sorry about all those awful needles ;) Also, thank you for being so honest, it’s difficult to admit to people how you may have seen/viewed them in your past. I am so excited for your journey, and please keep up your blog since this is really helpful for people (like me) who are struggling to conceive. XOXOXO

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  4. Amazing story! I love being able to follow this journey with you! So inspiring and special. Another good song to add is, Capri by Colbie C.

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  5. Thank you for sharing this Tiffany...we will be watching...

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  6. Give yourself some Grace Tiffany, all of us at some point have judged or been judged. Learning "truth" and asking for "grace" makes us the special people God intended.

    I am glued to your blog and will continue to pray for the little miracle all of you wait for.

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  7. Amazing. I don't have children but I have a niece and nephew which I consider my "children." Sometimes when I look at them, I wonder if I will be as fortunate as my sister to have things just happen "naturally." I know I won't want children until my late 30's so it is quite a possibility that I may have difficulties. Being in nursing school doesn't help because day in and day out I study what truly happens in conception. Of how much our bodies truly go through to become of child. It truly is a physiological phenomenon. Kudos to you for opening your eyes, heart and soul to the struggles that others may face. Sympathy, empathy and compassion are truly what makes the world go round. I wish you all of the best.

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  8. All of these comments mean so much. I was afraid to post how I used to be so judgmental. I was embarrassed and ashamed. I am happy I can grow as a person each day. All of your support in reading, writing, emailing us has really encouraged and helped us in ways we never even thought! Thank you, from the bottom of our hearts.

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  9. A friend of mine referred me to your blog last night and I'm trying my best to get all caught up on hour story. I too am going to be a GS, but to a dear friend of mine. Thank you for being so honest. I know it must be so scary to share some of your thoughts, knowing that the whole world (and your closest friends and family) may see a side to you that you didn't necessarily want them to see. I too have had a difficult time accepting the compliments about what an "amazing" thing I'm going and how great I am because of it. While I know that I'm giving them the best gift ever, I also just feel like I am doing what I should do, and what I would hope someone would step up and do for me if I were in their shoes!
    My husband is supportive but currently has the mindset that you used to. He feels that if they were meant to have a baby, they would be able to on their own. To that I told him, "if that is the case, then the IVF won't work, and they won't have a baby." I truly believe that if Ali wasn't meant to have a baby, she wouldn't have "great ovaries" (as the RE called them!).
    I look forward to following along as you continue on this journey!
    We are both blogging on our journey as well mypodtheirpea.blogspot.com is my version and pathtoourmiracle.blogspot.com is their story!

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