The Red Wagon

Blog Entry by Tiffany Burke, Surrogate Mother

When I was a little girl, I idolized my older brother, James.  He was probably the coolest kid I had ever known.  I idolized him so much my mom even let me get the same, bowl cut hair style he had (on me it was not pretty but pretty hilarious).   I have many fond memories of us growing up together and all the times he was there for me, the adventures we shared, the life we lived.  For some reason last night, I was recalling a story that I felt compelled to share today.  I must have been about 5 or 6, meaning James was about 7 or 8 years old and James wanted to pull me through the neighborhood on the red Radio Flyer Wagon. I agreed and hopped on the wagon.  He held the handle and pulled me out of the driveway and down the street.  I remember we were coming to a slight hill.   When I say slight, I mean SLIGHT however, enough to increase speed.  James was holding onto the handle and running with it now. I was sitting down with my hands gripping the sides.  Up ahead was a corner, I just kept picturing the wagon tipping over once we hit that corner.  Panic started to set in and I started to cry. "James stop!  Stop!" I yelled.   He slowed the wagon down to a stop and turned to me and asked me what was wrong, I told him how fearful I was that we were going to tip and he said, "Don't be scared.  Jesus is right behind you, holding onto the wagon."   My heart lifted and I turned to look for Jesus. James said, "Well, you can't see him, but he is there and will be with you the whole time."   I felt so much better for two reason; the first obvious reason was Jesus was with me!  Heck yes!  Jesus took time out of his day to hold onto the wagon when I was scared.  How lucky was that?  But the most calming was, that my brother told me not to be scared, and that HE was with me and he was calm about it. I believed in him and I believe in the adventure of the red wagon.   I remember holding on as tight as I could and feeling scared but ready.  I told him I was ready, and he grabbed the wagon handle and started running again.  Speed picked up faster and faster, I gripped tighter and closed my eyes.  I could feel the wind through my (bull style ) hair and felt such joy as we raced closer to the corner.  And then... sadly, I don't remember what happened. I don't remember if we made it to the corner without falling.  I don't recall.  My memory is not what it used to be unfortunately.

To me, it doesn't matter if you believe in God, or Jesus, or a Divine being or nothing at all.  This story reminds me that we can all seek comfort in spirituality and each other when facing times that may scare us. That if you are facing something scary, Jesus could be there with you, you can't see him but it's possible.  Or the fact you have someone physically next to you, holding your hand, telling you it will be okay, makes it a little less scary and lot more easier to face. 

Life is funny now, as I don't really know if I believe in Jesus or God.  James and Natalie are very strong believers, church goers, pray-ers.  I hope I don't lose any readers for not being a current believer, follower and by announcing who I really am by what I believe now.  If there is a God, this is how he made me.  I hope I cannot be faulted if I live a kind, giving life and question my world around me.  Whether God made me or not, this is how I was made.  I do however, believe in the possibility.  And I do believe in a plan.  Whether we made our own plan as souls before coming down here, or someone made it for us, I believe in the cliché that everything happens for a reason, that if we are patient long enough we can look back and see why we took the path we did and how everything lined itself up for the really amazing things in life.   I believe that this baby has been planned long before we knew how it would happen.  I feel great comfort in believing in that plan, believing in the possibility of a spiritual act taking place and mostly, above everything else I believe in love.   I believe that the love for another can conquer all.  I believe that, with love, anything is possible.  Love comes in all forms, from all different types of people and relationships, and amazing things can happen from those that are willing to love and show their love.  My biggest driving factor in all of this is love.  Love for my brother, love for Natalie, love for my nephew and love for that future baby.  Love. Love. Love.

As I go on this adventure, I have more than just my brother with me now.  I have so many others, including my amazing husband, supportive friends and family and perhaps, something Divine.  Everything I have done in my life has prepared me for this next phase.  And after this has all finished, I will be more prepared for whatever comes next.  I know this next adventure with my brother will be scary, and spectacular, I know too I will remember how this one ends, and in the mean time, I cannot wait to start it. 

"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love."
Mother Teresa

Thank you for reading.

With love,

Tiffany