Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Bigger and Better!

This Blogpost Written by Tiffany Burke, Surrogate Mother


As I am nearing my 27th week of pregnancy, I am getting bigger and better!   I am only throwing up every few days!  Although I am still nauseous each day, I do feel like a new person versus where I was at week 8 or week 14.  I'll take it!  I am almost back to my normal self where I truly enjoy my second trimester.   Oh my gosh, am I still in my second trimester?   Or am I in my third?   Wow, I better go look that up!  Time flies when you are pregnant with twins.   Here is a little bump photo of those two precious boys.



I posted a picture on our Facebook page today that struck my heart really hard.  One of the reasons I have been so publicly open about this blog, this movie, the fertility drugs, our failed first attempt and so on, is because so many women have had to suffer silently with their infertility issues.  Over the last year and half, after starting the blog, I have learned these issues come from the mother's eggs, the mother's uterus, the mother's health condition, the father's sperm, money (not enough money to do IVF), age, and more.  So many factors play a role in these women's lives when they are trying so desperately to conceive a child.  It's never simple, it's never an easy fix, it's never just one thing.  And it's a lot of heart ache.   I have learned by listening to you.   So many readers have sent in their stories, every day I read a new story that brings me to tears, pulls on my heart strings and opens my mind even more.

As I have mentioned before, I was anti IVF. I never gave much thought to surrogacy or what it involved, but if I was anti IVF I must have been anti surrogacy.   I thought if you could not have children naturally that you needed to adopt.  Perhaps this came from being adopted myself, and my own yearning to adopt.  I just assumed everyone else should be on the same page.   After Natalie lost her uterus, and after listening to her thoughts, it was like a switch went off inside of me.  I started to think about all my friends who had a hard time conceiving, and my family members.  I started to think about how they must be feeling as I pranced around the world bragging about being fertile Mertile.  Always thinking I was making fun of myself for being able to get pregnant the first time each time, when in reality, I was probably hurting those women around me.  I was not ever thinking about their feelings, their miscarriages, their still borns, their hope to see a positive pregnancy test. This is hard for me to write.  This is hard for me to admit how selfish I was in my own thoughts. Who would think that way?   I am admitting it very publicly that I did. I am not proud, yet ashamed.  How could I have not thought deeper about this issue?  I had never walked that path or known that kind of pain, but where was my compassion? I never even asked.  I was afraid.  When my friends were trying and never getting pregnant, I was afraid to ask. I was afraid to ask how they were feeling after their miscarriage. I thought it was unspoken for a reason.  I didn't want to pry or bring up more pain. I always thought if they wanted to talk about it, they could.  Why didn't I make the compassionate move?  I still don't know entirely, but I am changed forever now and hope that my friends and family who are struggling know they are NOT alone.  I hope I have the strength to reach out to those who need it and I am so happy to have shaken my prior, judgmental self.  I'm sure she existed for a reason, but she is not currently missed. 

I saw this photo the other day and posted it to our Facebook today asking followers to tell us what they think and feel when they see this photo:




The comments have been amazing.   I love when people come forward and speak openly, and candidly, especially on a subject so many women feel they have to be quiet about.   Here is what one reader wrote:  

"This was one of the many things I would think of when we were originally told we'd never have our own children. sounds silly but it would really bother me when women would complain about little things like this, when i wish they would realize how lucky they are to be able to experience a pregnancy and having children.  After going through infertility for 3 long years and then IVF to conceive our twins, I think I went through every emotion in the book."

We started talking and I told her how I used to feel and she wrote back, "Yeah I totally know what you mean! I am a twin myself, and growing up my sister & I always joked about how we were "natural twins" and ivf twins were "fake twins" lol ~  it's funny being on the other side of the table and having to do IVF and now im having those "fake twins" HAHA its crazy how infertility changes your entire perspective!"

She's right.  It is crazy how infertility changes your perspective.  

How has infertility changed your perspective?   

We are so blessed that this pregnancy with the twins worked after the second try.  I feel very blessed.  I feel like our experience is just the tip of the iceberg of fertility pain.  Your stories continue to change me, open my heart and mind and I hope my compassion is felt.   Your stories have made me a more loving mom.  I always considered myself someone who counted my blessings, but I for sure hug my babies more, kiss them more, tell them they are loved more.  Which I already did so much before, I am sure they are getting smothered right now. I don't even care.  I'm a smother mother right now and proud of it!  

I'm not sure entirely what else to say here. I just wanted to write out some of my thoughts about the pain others have been feeling and encourage us all to keep an open mind.  We never know someone else's struggles, even if they tell us, it's not the same.   I hope together we can all keep open minds and hearts and be a little bit more compassionate to others' feelings. 

Here is something I wrote down at the beginning of  this journey and try to read each day: 

Everyone is having a different life experience than you.  Because of that, what they can see and think can vary drastically from you.  This is where an open mind and compassion can build a bridge to better understanding each other.  Hopefully from that, we can learn from each other and possibly have more acceptance in all areas of this life.

Off to swim lessons with the little humans.

Warmly,
Tiffany Burke


60 comments:

  1. Infertility changed my life about 7 years ago. My first husband and I were trying and trying not knowing; finally we went to my doctor and found out I had a fertility problem. At that time we decided we were young enough to wait and do treatments later.

    In July of 2007 I found out I was pregnant and with out treatments! Apparently we were right place right time. In march of 2008 I gave birth to my now beautiful 4 year daughter she was...is my miracle baby.

    When I remarried last September my husband and I talked about kids. I was very open with him that it may not be in our cards, but in the end we decided to give it all we've got. In April I went and started the process of re-diagnosing and treatments. The first round didn't work and I was devastated, but God had his plan for us and in July we got a positive pregnancy test and are expecting our first child together (my 2nd) on March 13th. Oh and the due date is just 6 days after my daughters 5th birthday - talk about cutting it close.

    Thanks for open the door for us all to not feel alone.

    Nikki Binkley

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you for this! While we were trying for our 1st (unexplained infertility) I once came home to anti-fertility assistance literature (I LOST it), I had a friend show me her loose skin and say, "are you really sure you'd want this?" (, h*ll yes if I have a beautiful miracle), and the same friend called upset because she was afraid she might be pregnant with her boyfriend and shed already had one unplanned pregnancy (is there really NOBODY else in your life you could share this concern with?!? It's devestating to hear people complain about pregnancy, post baby bodies, and lack of sleep when that's what you beg for and cry for HOURS everyday.

    I don't think most women even think about it, I think they're sharing "battle" stories. Thank you for bringing this to all of our attention as a reminder to be more thoughtful before we make offhanded remarks.

    ReplyDelete
  3. After a family member went through infertility issues and only hearing part of their struggle I came to realize that my two kids (produced the "old fashioned way", as I used to put it) were an absolute blessing. I loved being pregnant and I was great at it too. So much so that it sent me on a journey to becoming a surrogate last year. I went through 3 IVF cycles to become pregnant with twins, for a couple I have only known for the past 18 months. Having gone through the ups and downs, physically and emotionally, of IVF I really learned to appreciate what couples went through to get what I already had. Their pain, was my pain. I used to think "why would anyone put out that kind of time, money, and energy to have a baby of their own when there were so many babies in the world already that need loving parents". I get it now, I really do. 29 weeks in, my journey is starting to come to an end, but what a ride it has been. Seeing how happy and joyous the parents and their entire family are about these two precious and wonderful gifts Im carrying makes all the pain and struggle completely worth it. I didnt get stretch marks for my own two children but Im sure I will with these, but it doesnt matter. They will be a beautiful reminder of not only what I gave but of what my family gave to another. Thats not a lesson you can teach everyday.-Tracy C. of California

    ReplyDelete
  4. Thank you for your honesty Tiff- so many of us find the path to motherhood not on the straight and narrow. I am pro-people wanting to love and care for a baby and thus I am pro adoption, surrogacy, IVF, and good ol trying for it over and over. I think it's a more complicated issue than society talks about- kind of like another topic I know we both think is important that society won't talk about!

    ReplyDelete
  5. I can't thank you enough for sharing your journey. My husband and I have been on the infertility roller coaster for 6 long years and I wish more people would share their stories so that it wasn't this "secret". I get keeping it private as it is not something we share with many of our friends or family but I too struggle with opening up and telling our story to all that will listen in hope of helping someone else feel like she is not alone.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I wish more women would come to this realization, but the unfortunate thing is unless or UNTIL you actually go through it yourself you DON'T realize the pain that infertiles live with. And I can understand how easy it is for people to just say "you can ALWAYS adopt" because even with that, they don't KNOW the $$ and emotions and TIME it takes to adopt. Apparently most people (IMO) just think there's some store you can go to, pick one out and go home with a baby! Because apparently it's JUST THAT EASY! haha.

    We are going into our first IVF (this month, yay!) But I have the friends who don't "get" it - don't understand that it's not just as easy as "relaxing" or, as one friend put it "stop wanting it so bad and it'll happen"...yeah, I wanted to tell her - "would you tell someone with cancer to 'stop wanting to be healthy so bad and it'll happen!'?". We have a medical condition stopping us from having a family of our own, naturally. And then of course the "oh you can always adopt" um. no. sorry. Our IVF cycle is costing us around $10,000 - I love the idea of adoption and have many incredible adopted friends (including one friend who's parents have adopted 10 children! they are seriously awesome!) - but I don't have $30,000+ to adopt. Why should we not get the chance to have our own genetic/biological child just because we have a medical condition saying that we'll have a harder time to conceive? And then, of course, the fact that our insurance won't pay for this medical condition...so our IVF is completely out of pocket. I keep joking that I just gave my doctor my 401K (which is where we took the loan from) because it's NORMAL for people to give their 401K's to the doctor to TRY to get pregnant! I don't really hide it (although we don't say anything on FB) but I tell anyone who'll listen! haha.

    I know, really, the only thing that I've changed my mind on is the idea of donor eggs...when I was in college I'd always see those ads for donating your eggs and thought how CRAZY that was! But now that I've met many women online who can't even USE their own eggs, I understand what an awesome gift it truly is.

    Sorry this is long but infertility really changes your life and your perspective on life/others. :)

    ReplyDelete
  7. I appreciate your post. I came to your website through a friend of mine who posted that pic. We met on an online IF support group and I'm so thankful to have met so many wonderful women through this horrible roller coaster of infertility. My husband and I have been trying pretty much since we were married as I was almost 27 when we got married and I wanted 2 or 3 kids spread apart and we had enjoyed life without kids during our 3 years of dating.

    I never thought it would take as long as it has, but here we are marching quickly towards the 4 year mark and still nothing. We had one early m/c 2 1/2 years ago, but nothing since. Treatments are hard physically, emotionally, and financially. I do understand people not "getting it" because I don't think I'd truly understand if I wouldn't be going through it now. That's why I try to be very open with our struggle because, even if people don't get it, I hope they can try and understand how it affects couples going through this. I do really hate how so many people trivialize infertility. It IS important and when you want a baby so bad, it consumes everything about your life. And its hard to hear your body is betraying you by not being able to do what it was made to do. While there is nothing wrong with adoption, its not an easy fix. Its expensive and sometimes waits can be years long (especially for babies), and it still doesn't fix the issue of not being able to go through the experience of pregnancy and labor and having a child that is of you and your husband's DNA.

    I really like what you wrote down to read everyday: Everyone is having a different life experience than you. Because of that, what they can see and think can vary drastically from you. This is where an open mind and compassion can build a bridge to better understanding each other. Hopefully from that, we can learn from each other and possibly have more acceptance in all areas of this life.

    Its so true and I like to think I'm more compassionate to other people's unknown struggles now that I'm going through something that, for the most part, is still taboo. There was another quote that a lady on one of the boards I frequent had in their siggy: Be nice to everyone, for you never know what they are going through. While that might not be word for word, it gets the gist across.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Thank you for being so honest in your journey! Like Zookers (comment below) I have been part of an online IF community with her and so many other amazing women as we struggle to become parents.

    What continues to sadden me in these 3+years is how many feel they must keep it secret from the world. Don't get me wrong - I do understand why some couples suffer silently - because of the stigma that we're "broken". As someone who decided I would be open and an advocate for infertility education, to try and break down the wall of silence that has built around IF; I am happy you have shared your story with so many.

    You have touched many of us. And I hope that your story helps to open the eyes of Fertile Mertiles everywhere as well.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I've loved reading this! I'm a surrogate mother myself and got into it because my best friend was having problems conceiving after she had a miscarriage. She and her husband have a beautiful baby daughter that she was able to carry to term, but she got me started on my path to do it for someone else. I'm now pregnant with twins for a wonderful couple who already have 2 gorgeous daughters. We're hoping at least one's a boy! The mom is unable to carry to term for health reasons and until I met them and talked with them, I didn't really understand how devastating it must be to know you're otherwise healthy, but your heart isn't strong enough to allow you to have your own children. I am so blessed to be able to help this couple. I want to do surrogacy at least once more after this. It's been such an amazing experience, besides all the meds. Lol. It's really opened my eyes to how difficult infertility can be.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Thank you for this and for the gift of life you are giving. I had always said that I would adopt if I couldn't have children. After trying for a little over a year, I got pregnant last year with a perfect little boy. Then my body failed me, and I lost him at 18 weeks due to incompetent cervix. I have since has surgery to correct that, but I'm having trouble getting pregnant again. We are starting more in-depth fertility treatments because after having a baby that was our genetic child, we really wanted to pursue that option. If we are unable to conceive, I truly hope that surrogacy is an option for us. It is so wonderful that there are such loving and selfless people in the world who can give this gift to others.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Here, and on Facebook & in our Moms Group, I am always impressed by your openness, honesty, and willingness to listen and learn from other people and change your point of view. This is a wonderful post.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Found your story awhile back after a friend posted it:) I was SO touched - you are giving your brother and sister-in-law such an INCREDIBLE gift!! How you are immensely blessing them..God bless you. Know that each of you and these precious babies are in my daily prayers. Thank you so much for sharing your amazing journey with us.

    Like others on here I too have suffered infertility, a total of four years. I have medical conditions completely preventing me from conceiving naturally..against the odds we had a successful IVF which gave us our beautiful son in 2010, and will be going thru IVF a second time this November to hopefully add another precious child/ren to our family. Infertility and fertility treatments have for sure been a rollercoaster ride, emotionally, financially, spiritually..I can so relate to your experience of having your compassion widened and eyes opened. Though the road has been hard it has taught me so much - I would be much more self-focused today and probably not as grateful for the life I have, had I not been thru everything I have.

    Enough about me;) Just wanted to say hi and thank you for writing..your beautiful testimony is changing lives.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Hello, Tiffany- I had read your comment on my blog- and yes I had shared my post "Can you imagine not having a child?" with fertile friends as well. I had shared it- and two or three other folks had shared it. Some had printed it out to share with their MILs or relatives, who had trouble understanding the stress, the grief, the loneliness. Many fertile friends had responded positively; they said it gave them a better understanding what it is like for us infertile/childless. If you want to share my post, you're much welcome to share as long as it is credited to me. :)

    I had read your post last month, and you put it very well, "Everyone is having a different life experience than you. Because of that, what they can see and think can vary drastically from you. This is where an open mind and compassion can build a bridge to better understanding each other. Hopefully from that, we can learn from each other and possibly have more acceptance in all areas of this life." That's exactly what is much needed- even if understanding is not to be achieved, compassion is much cherished.

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