I'm Afraid

This Blog Post Written By Tiffany, Surrogate Mother

Lately so many people have been asking me, "How are you feeling? Are you sad? Scared? Nervous?"   I am all of the above including excited and mostly afraid.  The second transfer is next week, either Monday or Wednesday.  Natalie had her egg retrieval today and they retrieved 18 eggs this time.  Really, just great news. 

However, I am still afraid. I am not afraid to be pregnant again, I am not even afraid to give birth again, but I am afraid it won't work.  I know, I know, I can't think like that.  I am a big believer in thinking positive thoughts and positive things will come your way.   But I am afraid of failing, of not getting pregnant and not ever meeting this baby or babies.   I need to get back to my positive self and back on the right track.  I am on all the medications again, I am eating super healthy (including almost a bag of spinach a day!).  My nails are the length of Wolverine's and my skin is stunning (prenatal pills? Or being sober?).  My body is all set, my heart is in this and I am ready to start being positive again.  So many people have supported us along this journey, so many people have stepped up to help us while we film this story and all of you readers have made us feel not so alone.  We have over 30,000 hits on the blog (scroll down and look to the right for reader hits).  We are not alone in this journey.  We have supportive husbands, children and family and friends and dozens of emails from strangers who have reached out to give us faith and support.   Why can't I let go of this fear of failure?  I am never afraid to fail.  I am a risk taker, while still being safe, but this feels out of my hands.   Any of you other readers out there feel afraid when trying so hard for you baby or for a surrogacy? 

I don't feel this blog has much direction right now except me being scared.  I appreciate you reading anyway.  I made a vision board today, my first one ever.  A girlfriend of mine told me it will help.  She made one too for our surrogacy.  She sent the most beautiful card when the last embryos did not make it.  She cried with me. I feel so many of you are crying with us as the first embryos did not make it, and as I lost my little brother.  Now I hope we will all cry with joy in two weeks when I get my blood drawn for the pregnancy test that could change our lives forever and I can finally give James and Natalie the child they have been hoping for, and Hunter the sibling he will share the rest of his life with. Oh please oh please work this time.

Here is my first vision board, feel free to email us yours if you have one!  I threw in a little something extra into this Surrogacy vision board...  :)

We will blog again after the transfer next week and let you know how many embryos the embryologist recommends. In the meantime, they are fertilizing this very moment.  Send strong thoughts their way, they need it!  As always, thank you for reading, feel free to share our blog with others. We feel so many women (and men) suffer silently from infertility and we want them to know they are not alone and it is okay to talk about whatever it is they may be going through. 

"Don't worry about failure, worry about the chances you miss when you don't even try."

Thank you for reading,
Warmly,

Tiffany

Surrogate Mother