Monday, March 5, 2012

Just Breathe

This blog post written by Tiffany, Surrogate Mother

Much has happened...I love talking and of course writing. I don't mind sharing about my life but have been having a hard time finding the words to begin to describe my world these past few weeks. I have sat down for the past two days and stared at a blank screen trying to write out just one thought, once sentence, anything that makes sense.  Not just making sense to the reader, but to me, the one feeling a little lost, a little bit in a fog. Here goes another attempt. 

As a recap, on February 7th we received the phone call that the embryos did not make it. I was really confused.  The hormones made my body feel very pregnant, I didn't understand. I thought the results were wrong.  Surely I was pregnant.  I was genuinely, very sad and after crying through a meeting that day, I came home and just crawled into bed.  How pathetic.  I felt guilty for how sad I was feeling over something we never fully had. I felt like I had failed somehow, or my body had failed. I felt I really let James and Natalie down. I felt we lost two future people, that I didn't keep them safe enough.  I felt disappointed for all the work that went into it.  By the next day I was feeling better,  James, Natalie, and Sean all were so encouraging to me. I should have been consoling James and Natalie, but I didn't know how.  Sean was amazing with all of this, I truly have been blessed by an amazing husband.   We all decided we wanted to keep trying, we hoped we would, and we all wanted to try again right away.   It gave me hope and I know not everything works the first try.  I was determined not to give up.  My nurse said to stop all hormones and my body will have a natural cycle and then we can start again. Things were looking positive and hopeful.    

That night, the after the embryo news, at 3 A.M. I received the worst phone call I have ever received in my life.  My little brother, Jesse, had died.  I don't know what to type next.  Now I am just sitting here, angry that that sentence is real.  I don't know how to properly transition and say something positive and hopeful here.  Naturally since it has only been a few weeks, I am still dealing with so much.   I don't know yet how to move on, and not sure yet if I ever will.  My little brother was 20 years old and one of the most beautiful souls I have ever had the privilege of knowing. I loved watching him grow up and loved him with all of my heart. I feel I lose my words, my footing, my breath during the day.  I find myself just standing around the house and staring at times. Other times I have been able to just continue on with my every day responsibilities of being a mom, a wife, a sister, a daughter, a photographer.  But something is different, something is missing and it just feels darker. I want to be the positive person who claims everything happens for a reason, and we will see the reason soon.  But I am just not there yet.  I miss him too much, I have too much sadness not just for myself, but for the rest of my family and his friends he left behind. I am broken hearted for all of us right now.  I wish I could make the pain go away for them right now.  My brother changed me forever and my life will never be the same without him.  I will keep moving forward, but with a heavy heart.  I will say this, I am closer with my family, all of my family, than I ever have been before.  This warms my heavy heart.

Someone asked me the other day if I was sure this was the right time to keep moving forward with the surrogacy, that I had been through a lot emotionally and maybe I should wait.  The thought never crossed my mind, but at the moment, I figured, I should consider that.   The second I considered it, I felt even more sad inside.  I don't want to wait to bring my niece or nephew into this world. I don't want to spend any more time waiting for them then I have to, and waiting to see James and Natalie get their baby.  This baby is probably what will save me from my heartbreak, knowing I am bringing a life into this world as one beautiful life has left us.   I guess I will never know until down the road, but in the meantime, it helps me.  Everyone says I am doing something so great for my brother and his wife, maybe it is reversed after all.  Maybe they are the ones giving me a gift here. A chance to help them create a life, to be a part of something beautiful, a miracle.  A fighting chance to power through this pain I am feeling. I find great comfort in that and will not be giving up on this process.  

Thank you to everyone who has sent flowers, emails, letters, cards, meals and donations to my family during this devastating time.  We are genuinely overwhelmed in the most beautiful of ways by all the people who came forward to show their love for my little brother and their condolences and support for my family.  Without you, none of us would be as strong as we are today, although I am sure none of us feel very strong, it is better with you.  Life is better together, with each other.   Today I leave you with a quote to reflect upon your own life and your own loved ones:

“If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting?” ~Steven Levine (poet, author, teacher)

I did not get to say good-bye to my brother, but he knew I loved him and I am at peace with that.  I invite you to think of the people in your life and don't wait another second to make the connection you have been so desperately wanting.  We are not promised tomorrow.  Make the most of it, and don't forget, compassion and forgiveness will take you very far in your life, remember that when reconnecting. 

Time for me to go snuggle with my amazing husband and two beautiful sons.  Life is hard, but life is good at times too.  

Thank you for reading,
Warmly,
Tiffany

13 comments:

  1. Wow, Tiffany. My heart feels for you and although I truly know nothing I can say can bring him back, or even begin to heal your heavy heart, just know I am thinking of you all always and I hope you'll find the "everything happens for a reason" soon. Continue to stay strong and be you. ((hugs))

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  2. Tiffany, I am so sad to hear of your loss and heartbreak. I will pray for you as you and your family grieve. You have encouraged so many people with your optimism and joy- my hope is that you'll find peace during this time and be surrounded by love.

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  3. I was so, so, sad to read about your brother passing away. I can't imagine what you're going through, even just reading this has tears in my eyes. I know you don't feel positive right now, but what you wrote about wanting to go ahead with the surrogacy now and your feelings about helping bring this child into the world... that's still positive energy you're putting into the universe. It will never be okay that you lost your brother, but it will get easier. You and your family have been in my prayers.

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  4. Thank you for sharing this Tiffany, you are such an amazing, wonderful person. Love you so much. <3

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  5. Love you Tiffany, thanks for sharing this. I know what it is like to lose a loved one and it is devastating. Your blog is a good reminder to not hold back from the things you want to share with others, life is precious & uncertain. I think about this all of the time. XO

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  6. Tiff, you know me, as a fellow photographer but I lost my husband in 2006 through suicide. He was active duty military and on leave from deployment after 11.5 months but still... It's been over 5 years and the pain never subsides. Yes, it's gotten SO much easier to live every day life but I watch my sister-in-law and my in-laws deal with his death and it's so much harder for them. You are an amazing women and possess so much inner strength. Maybe more than you'll ever truly understand. BUT know this, from a fellow survivor, that you are NOT alone and that your brother will never be forgotten. Keep telling his stories and remember him for who he IS! Remember the good times and not how he died. Remember the love you have for your brother and remember that you and your family...your child(ren) will always have an amazing guardian angel watching over them!
    With lots of love,
    Genesa
    Proud widow of SPC David J Ramsey

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  7. So sorry about your brother. Thoughts going out to your family.

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  8. You are an inspiration... Thank you for overcoming your writer's block to post!!

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  9. My condolences to you and your Family. Your words and strength are inspiring. You were fotunate to have known such a special person, such as your Brother and are amazing for being a part of the surragacy process. Stay strong and continue trying!

    -Joanne B.

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  10. I am so sorry! I am praying for Jessie and your whole family.

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  11. I am so very sorry for your loss. I'm in tears right now. I will pray for you and your family!

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  12. You are a truly remarkable human being, Tiffany. It is not very often that you meet an individual with so much passion for life and love. All of us who are reading this are so incredibly blessed to know you. Please keep shining..<3

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  13. Hang in there! Thanks for being so open and sharing so much

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